Thursday, December 2, 2010
please
i know i wasnt the best daughter ever, i know that i have my faults...but please...just once...tell me u are proud of me. i have worked really hard to get to where i am at today and i just want acknowledgement. i want acceptance. i want to be part of the family.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Chillin on the couch
I am so amazed at how my life has changed in the past year. Thanksgiving marks my one year anniversary with my loving boyfriend Andrew and life couldn't get any better. I am anxiously waiting to hear if I am going to get the promotion I applied for last week, it wouldn't be the end of the world if i didn't get it, but everyone is pretty confident that I will. I am just trying not to get my hopes up or get to cocky about it. I am just incredibly inpatient and it seems like the whole process is taking forever.
On other news, the hernia I got from my surgery in July is driving me nuts. I am embarrassed to go out in public because people keep asking or assuming if I am pregnant. I really wish I had more vacation time so I can get it fixed. January first can not come fast enough. And I swear on my life that if this is not the last surgery, I am going to go nuts. I just can't catch a break! But hey, it could be worse right? atleast I have managed to stay in remission through all the surgeries AND keep my job.
On other news, the hernia I got from my surgery in July is driving me nuts. I am embarrassed to go out in public because people keep asking or assuming if I am pregnant. I really wish I had more vacation time so I can get it fixed. January first can not come fast enough. And I swear on my life that if this is not the last surgery, I am going to go nuts. I just can't catch a break! But hey, it could be worse right? atleast I have managed to stay in remission through all the surgeries AND keep my job.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
So its been a long time...
To be completly honest, I had forgotten about my account here. Logging in and looking back really makes me appreciate myself for everything I have been through in the past few years...so i guess...update? (don't really have followers anymore, so I guess this is for me)
So I moved back in with my parents after loosing everything. Got back my dead end job that I had tried so desperatly hard to escape and was hospitalized again. For nine days. Without health insurance. yea. that sucked. but after that my whole life was about to change for the best even though I didn't know it yet.
Me and my best friend decided to take a roadtrip to texas to visit my biological mom. long story short on the way home I had decided that I had had enough with illinois. 2 weeks later my car was packed and well, here I am now.
It didn't take me long to get a job, seven days to be exact. I loved my job more than anything in the world. But then once again my world was turned upside down. To make that long story short. Crohns got bad and he had a sidekick! I also had a rare blood disorder that was causing me excruciating pain. I had been lucky enough to find an AMAZING doctor and things got better again. Much better. My last flare up was in the beginning of October 2009. Here I am now. over a year later. Living a normal life for the first time since my senior year in highshool.
Now I am so deeply in love that words can't describe, I have a really good, stable job, and for the first time in my life, HAPPY.
so I guess i was right in my earlier blogs. I just needed a change. A fresh start.
So I moved back in with my parents after loosing everything. Got back my dead end job that I had tried so desperatly hard to escape and was hospitalized again. For nine days. Without health insurance. yea. that sucked. but after that my whole life was about to change for the best even though I didn't know it yet.
Me and my best friend decided to take a roadtrip to texas to visit my biological mom. long story short on the way home I had decided that I had had enough with illinois. 2 weeks later my car was packed and well, here I am now.
It didn't take me long to get a job, seven days to be exact. I loved my job more than anything in the world. But then once again my world was turned upside down. To make that long story short. Crohns got bad and he had a sidekick! I also had a rare blood disorder that was causing me excruciating pain. I had been lucky enough to find an AMAZING doctor and things got better again. Much better. My last flare up was in the beginning of October 2009. Here I am now. over a year later. Living a normal life for the first time since my senior year in highshool.
Now I am so deeply in love that words can't describe, I have a really good, stable job, and for the first time in my life, HAPPY.
so I guess i was right in my earlier blogs. I just needed a change. A fresh start.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
its back
Yea, I said it, my chron's is acting up again. as for now its suttle and managable but still very distracting, especially when i am at working or talking to someone that i don't want to know about my illness. Not because I am embarrassed by the disease, but because people start acting weird when they found out bout stuff like that, like i am a bomb clicking closer and closer to death by the seconds. Case and point: today a co worker asked me why i have looked so down the past couple of days and why i have been holding my stomach. He was convinced that i was pregnant, and to avoid further confusion and rumors, i told him the truth. After I told him the truth he flat out asked me if he needed to treat me differently to better accomadate my needs, and the rest of the day he was dead silent. its so aggravating.
other than that life pretty much still sucks. i do have a job, but its a dead end kinda job. i know i know i shouldn't be complaining about a job right now. but i just feel like i have taken a HUGE step back. but i was contacted yesterday about a possible job opening in a succesful lawn care company in the area so i am hoping that i get that job. I am still going to keep the dead end job if i do. i need to make as much money as possible so i can get out of this hell hole of a house and out of my parents rule and finally be on my own again.
I guess thats it for now...
other than that life pretty much still sucks. i do have a job, but its a dead end kinda job. i know i know i shouldn't be complaining about a job right now. but i just feel like i have taken a HUGE step back. but i was contacted yesterday about a possible job opening in a succesful lawn care company in the area so i am hoping that i get that job. I am still going to keep the dead end job if i do. i need to make as much money as possible so i can get out of this hell hole of a house and out of my parents rule and finally be on my own again.
I guess thats it for now...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
scared, tired, stressed, broke, depressed and just trying to live another day
I lost my job over a month ago, right before my hernia was scheduled to get repaired. Since then I have applied to over 30 jobs that claimed to be hiring, when really they just forgot to take the sign down. Every major company is on a hiring freeze. It sucks, these times suck. I am flat out BROKE.
The day I moved out of my parents house was the happiest day of my life. I was finally free from her oppression, degrading insults and her way of life. Finally I was getting a chance to be me. I told myself as I drove away that I would never move back, that I would rather live on the street. Well folks, I lied, I could never live on the street, I am the worlds biggest baby. So, in two weeks, I'm moving back home.
Our relationship has changed a lot, but we don't see each other everyday so obviously there is no where near as many arguments. I am so afraid of moving back in, and the same fights starting all over again. Honestly I don't think I can handle it again. I was depressed behind closed doors in high school. But then I was thinking that that was high school, times have changed. I have changed, and my lifestyle has changed. But thats just it, I have alot more stress on my plate now, can I really handle my current stresses ontop of dealing with her? I just feel like I am going to crack.
Its not only my stress level I am worried about. Its also my dads. I am sure that he can't wait for me to move back in, but when me and her fight he gets put in the middle and forced to choose sides. Either way someone he loves gets hurt. He has learned to try to stay out of our fights but that doesn't always work. And it puts alot of stress on him, on top of the million and ten things he already has to worry about.
So in the end it comes down to I need to get back on my feet asap, and move out of my parents house, for the sake of my health, my dad's health and I guess mine and my moms relationship.
Hopefully I will get to Texas soon, and I can figure out the next step from there.
The day I moved out of my parents house was the happiest day of my life. I was finally free from her oppression, degrading insults and her way of life. Finally I was getting a chance to be me. I told myself as I drove away that I would never move back, that I would rather live on the street. Well folks, I lied, I could never live on the street, I am the worlds biggest baby. So, in two weeks, I'm moving back home.
Our relationship has changed a lot, but we don't see each other everyday so obviously there is no where near as many arguments. I am so afraid of moving back in, and the same fights starting all over again. Honestly I don't think I can handle it again. I was depressed behind closed doors in high school. But then I was thinking that that was high school, times have changed. I have changed, and my lifestyle has changed. But thats just it, I have alot more stress on my plate now, can I really handle my current stresses ontop of dealing with her? I just feel like I am going to crack.
Its not only my stress level I am worried about. Its also my dads. I am sure that he can't wait for me to move back in, but when me and her fight he gets put in the middle and forced to choose sides. Either way someone he loves gets hurt. He has learned to try to stay out of our fights but that doesn't always work. And it puts alot of stress on him, on top of the million and ten things he already has to worry about.
So in the end it comes down to I need to get back on my feet asap, and move out of my parents house, for the sake of my health, my dad's health and I guess mine and my moms relationship.
Hopefully I will get to Texas soon, and I can figure out the next step from there.
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